5 Non Confrontational Ways To Avoid Familial Obligations During The Holidays
Every year, millions of Americans struggle with the stress and social pressures of performing and providing during the Christmas season. That’s why we here at Self-Worth Digest have come up with this list of 5 non confrontational ways to avoid familial obligations during the holidays!
Be it a short-term solution for an unexpected family gathering filled with questions about “what you’re doing with your life” and not-so-subtle inquiries about your paycheck or romantic interests, or a 3 year plan for permanent familial abandonment, we’ve got you covered!
Take A Hike
Make plans to be conveniently out of town during the holidays, despite the added expense of air travel and high traffic. Be sure to let everyone know how desperately broke you are for months in advance–therefore negating any obligation to buy gifts–before announcing your surprise volun-tourism relief effort in an impoverished region of Africa with some new Instagram pics!
Take it a step further and ask for Christmas presents early, in the form of cash, since you are SO financially strapped. Also create a GoFundMe page to show everyone how truly desperate and destitute you are. Your family will completely understand your boundless, youthful selflessness and that this trip is simply an important character-building part of your life! The best gift you can give your family is “finding yourself”… That way they don’t have to do it for you!
Altruism As A Disguise
Similar to wasting thousands of dollars to briefly visit a third world country under the ruse of “relief effort”, in our next tip, we suggest using a charitable act (or the mere idea of one) as a deflection. There’s no reason why you can’t make lemonade out of someone ELSE’S lemons, so tell everyone that you will be volunteering at a local soup kitchen for the holidays, therefore giving a suitable excuse as to why you won’t be able to attend any family gatherings. (We are not saying that you have to actually GO AND HELP THE HOMELESS.) And if you truly aren’t opposed to avoiding the entirety of Christmas, and would rather not receive any gifts if it means dipping out on extended family, make your alibi all the more believable and ask that your family make meaningful donations in your name to a charitable organization of your choice!
Fake A Serious Relationship
For those of you who are still unattached, and who have a little extra time to prepare avoiding your family, we suggest creating a fake relationship. Make sure to prepare it a few months in advance for the sake of making the ruse more authentic. Start by making ambiguous romantic statements or talking about dates, then change your relationship status. Make sure to share romantic quotes and couple’s memes on your Facebook page, or a slyly photoshopped image s which imply you are in an exclusive and intense love affair.
Your family will be so relieved that you are finally in a serious relationship that they will completely understand why you’ve alienated yourself from this annual family tradition! After the holidays are over, you can conveniently break off the fake relationship with little to no emotional trouble, without having to answer any difficult questions.
Most of our previous tips have been geared for those who are temporarily dipping out on family obligations, due social anxiety, substance abuse, or mental health issues. For those of you who are seeking a more lasting answer, we have just the thing! Make a major life change, and move far away across the country or overseas, to a remote location. Think of some place, like a Tibetan monastery, to live out a solitary, Rambo-like existence, in which no one will ever be able to contact you, not even to send one of their desperate, overly-positive holiday newsletters, or, God-forbid, another passive-aggressive invitation for a white elephant gift party! This is the only way to truly dodge dealing with your largely unbearable family during the holiday season without the dreaded task of actually having to confront anyone!
Become A Spokesperson
Nothing is more undesirable or insurable than someone who is constantly trying to sell you something, be it a store credit card with a high interest rate, religion, or that damn mattress ad on Youtube. This is why we suggest you become a spokesperson for anything equally as aggressive; for example, consider an atheist philosophy, or a raw, Paleolithic, all natural lifestyle. Or you could experiment with something that you’ve always wanted to, but were too afraid for fear of communal dissent, such as urine therapy! Make sure you genuinely feel for your product and/or cause, so that even those close to you will not want to hurt your feelings. Use social media to tell the world wide web what your family will be getting from you this year, such as a lecture from your latest ideology, or a jar of cultured, fermented pee! Rather than cause any undue stress or drama, turn the tables on them to make them let you off the hook in the same, non-confrontational way in which you are trying to avoid them!
Self-Worth Digest and it’s authors are not trained professionals in any field, and do not guarantee our guidance to be beneficial, or that any of the advice contained herein is cognitively sound. Click here to read our full disclaimer or follow this link for our list of legitimate mental health resources.