Self-Worth Digest

5 Methods For Training Your Mind, Body And Spirit To Get The Best Black Friday Deals

Nov
18

Sure, business experts predict that more people than ever will be avoiding the stores during this year’s Black Friday Sales, but what that ultimately means is there’s less competition for you! No online shopping or Cyber Monday deal will ever compare to the thrill of justifiably pushing people over and running down those incredible doorbuster savings! That’s why Self-Worth Digest has the top tips to get you in perfect shape for this Black Friday’s conquest of victory!


Training Your Body

Start your training early, even up to 6 months in advance. Wake up at 4 am for an invigorating high endurance run. Skeptical? Well just look up all the previous year’s stampedes in which dozens are maimed (and possibly even killed). You’re going to need that athletic stamina to stay ahead of the crowd and hopefully avoid becoming one of the unfortunates trampled underfoot. Burn off that extra serving of hearty pumpkin spice mac n’ cheese with your newly developed leg muscles and literally outrun the competition!




Muscle Memory

In tandem with our last tip, we suggest that you cross train your runner’s endurance by familiarizing yourself with the territory! Start taking bi-weekly jogs through your local Best Buy, Macy’s or Nordstrom, making sure to swing by the most expensive sections, such as the electronic or purse departments. Remember to thoroughly and efficiently plan your route to save precious time.

Take Self Defense Classes

People can get a little crazy during the holiday season, even on a warm and fuzzy holiday like Thanksgiving. According to law enforcement, domestic disputes and assaults soar through the roof during this time of year. Take into account the low prices Walmart has on their Smart TVs, and you need to be prepared to handle anything this mass hysteria may throw at you.

The staff here at Self-Worth Digest recommend self defense classes, particularly from qualified martial arts instructors who wear American flag parachute pants and have memorized every sexual assault statistic since 1997!

For those of you looking for a little extra piece of mind, also consider a small, concealable device such as pepper spray or a modestly sized taser! Don’t be afraid to use your newfound self-defense tactics and weapons on would-be attackers, or anyone who comes within 3 feet of your “safety zone”. (Editor’s Note: The author of this article has been weening off her psych meds recently, and much of their advice as of late has not been sound… That said, I can’t just fire her during the holidays, you know? JA-)

Prepare Your Psyche To Commit Atrocities

Don’t just prepare for Black Friday physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. This is THE shopping event of the entire year, and you’ll have to plan accordingly. Sure, you might just be strong enough to fight off that 60-year-old lady for the last Google Home Mini, but are you willing to steal it from her electric wheelchair or use self-defense techniques to completely disable her?

Meditate weeks in advance, and try to imagine Black Friday as a life or death scenario. Because it is. What are you truly willing to go through for this year’s 40% discount on hot tech items?

Take it a step farther and have your most trusted family member put you through some mild torture techniques to truly steel your mind, such as electrocution with a low voltage go-cart battery or a good ole’ home brewed waterboarding session. You’ll know when you’re ready. (Editor’s Note: As the editor of Self-Worth Digest I feel I should advice you to stop reading now. JA-)

Abandon Thanksgiving

Just sacrifice Thanksgiving altogether, and start your plan of attack even earlier! Why bother slaving away in a hot kitchen for a bunch of ungrateful family members when you can be fulfilling your materialistic desires with a bunch of mass-produced frippery? Sure, creating warm family memories and bonding with our loved ones is truly priceless, but how can we show them its worth without proof of our enormous savings? Surely they will see just how much you’ve given up to turn their holiday from “Thanksgiving” to “Thanks-GETTING” when you come home in a sweaty, fatigued state,  covered in blood that may or may not be your own with a bundle of laptops clutched tightly under your good arm!


Self-Worth Digest and it’s authors are not trained professionals in any field, and do not guarantee our guidance to be beneficial, or that any of the advice contained herein is cognitively sound. Click here to read our full disclaimer or follow this link for our list of legitimate mental health resources.

2 Responses to 5 Methods For Training Your Mind, Body And Spirit To Get The Best Black Friday Deals

  1. I hate to admit it but I’ve done three out of five on this list!

  2. I’m a black belt in karate and have fought in multiple MMA tournaments. I’ve even taken out some dudes who were bigger than me. I’m fast, and strong. This Black Friday NOTHING is going to stop me from getting what I want!

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