5 Methods For Training Your Mind, Body And Spirit To Get The Best Black Friday Deals
Sure, business experts predict that more people than ever will be avoiding the stores during this year’s Black Friday Sales, but what that ultimately means is there’s less competition for you! No online shopping or Cyber Monday deal will ever compare to the thrill of justifiably pushing people over and running down that perfect doorbuster saving! That’s why Self-Worth Digest has the top tips to get you in perfect shape for this Black Friday’s conquest of victory!
Training Your Body
Start your training early, even up to 6 months in advance, by waking up at 4 am for invigorating high endurance runs. Don’t believe us? Just look up all the previous year’s stampedes in which dozens are maimed (and possibly even killed). You’re going to need that athletic stamina to stay ahead of crowd and hopefully avoid becoming one of the unfortunates trampled underfoot. Burn off that extra serving of hearty pumpkin spice mac n’ cheese with your newly developed leg muscles and literally outrun the competition.
In tandem with our last tip, we suggest that you cross train your runner’s endurance by familiarizing yourself with your territory! Start taking bi weekly runs through your local Best Buy, Macy’s or Nordstrom, swinging by the most expensive and therefore strategic sections that will have some of the greatest Black Friday’s savings, such as the electronic or purse departments. Remember to thoroughly and efficiently plan your route to save precious time, but don’t skimp on those hard-to-reach areas! As always, acknowledge all employees as you sprint by with a jaunty wave, and hopefully they will remember you fondly when it comes time to search the backroom for extra merchandise on the busiest retail day of the
Take Self Defense Classes
People can get a little crazy during the holiday season, even on a warm and fuzzy holiday like Thanksgiving. According to law enforcement, domestic disputes and assaults soar through the roof. Take into account the low prices Walmart has on their Smart TVs, and you’re going to be prepared to handle anything the mass hysteria may throw at you. The staff here at Self-Worth Digest recommend self defense classes, particularly from qualified martial arts instructors who wear American flag pants and have memorized every sexual assault statistic since 1997! For those of you looking for a little extra piece of mind, also consider a small, concealable device such as pepper spray or a modestly sized conductive electrical weapon such as a Taser! Don’t be afraid to use your newfound self-defense tactics and weapons on would-be attackers, or anyone who comes within 3 feet of your “safety zone” (Editor’s Note: The author of this article has been weening off their psych meds recently and because of that some of their articles have not been delivering sound advice. But I can’t just fire them during the holidays, you know? JA-)
Prepare Your Psyche To Commit Atrocities
Don’t just prepare for Black Friday physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. This is THE shopping event of the entire year, and you’ll have to plan accordingly. Sure, you might just be strong enough to fight off that 60-year-old lady for the last Google Home Mini, but are you willing to steal it from her electric wheelchair or use self-defense techniques to disable her? Meditate weeks in advance, and try to imagine it as a life or death scenario. What are you truly willing to go through for this year’s 40% discount on hot tech items? Take it a step farther and have your most trusted family member put you through some mild torture techniques to truly steel your mind, such as electrocution with a low voltage go-cart battery or make-shift waterboarding session. You’ll know when you’re ready. (Editor’s Note: As the editor of Self-Worth Digest I feel I should advice you to stop reading now.)
Just sacrifice Thanksgiving altogether, and start your plan of attack earlier! Why bother slaving away in a hot kitchen for a bunch of ungrateful family members when you can be fulfilling your materialistic desires with a bunch of mass-produced frippery? Sure, creating warm family memories and bonding with our loved ones is truly priceless, but how can we show them its worth without proof of our enormous savings? Surely they will see just how much you’ve given up to turn their holiday from Thanksgiving to Thanks-GETTING when you come home in a sweaty and, fatigued state, covered in blood that may or may not be your own!
Self-Worth Digest and it’s authors are not trained professionals in any field, and do not guarantee our guidance to be beneficial, or that any of the advice contained herein is cognitively sound. Click here to read our full disclaimer or follow this link for our list of legitimate mental health resources.